Fuck i can’t believe i’ve left this till now again. It’s past midnight, but at least i’m not hungover, exhausted, or inebriated. Still, i’m not sure i can let loose another tale, but hey, lets see.
Ok now, a sentence, an idea, a kernel of some sort of thing. I’ll regard my notepad, which i scribble in during the day.
“Ants in hats”- wtf is this shit. I can barely read my own hand writing. Ok, so no inspiration to be found there.
Let’s try something different.
People tell me fascinating things all the time. Really great things that run contrary to the mundane, dull shit i otherwise think makes up most of my time. Surely one of those will surface now? Some odd anecdote, that will explode into a….oooooh……..yes.
That will do.
Or no it won’t.
Godammit. Now i’m just waffling on, hoping the words get all used up. Hrmm. I don’t know anything. That is what this feels like. The perfect story, wouldn’t that be a 100% copy of real life? A play by play, down to the dirty details about a certain occupation, or a person, or something. Hrmm.
Here we go….OR NOT.
OK I’m not even kidding, i just wrote like five hundred fucking words, and i’ve deleted it all. I’m starting again.
I’m going to tell a fairy tale.
The Morningstar versus The Viking
Fuck. I hope Donald didn’t hear me cuss. “Daddy why do you always say that?” I turn off the T.V, just before the guy who killed me starts teabagging my virtual corpse. I pray Donald doesn’t learn the word faggot from the game either. I put down the controller, and extend my arms like an invitation. The little guy rushes in, and i decide for once, to try for truth.
“Donald, what i just did, was swear.”
“What is swear?”
“Swearing, would be the right word. Well Ok. You know when you get angry, or you stub your toe, and you say ouch? The word i said is kind of like an adult’s version of ouch.”
“Why don’t you just say ouch?”
Because when you get older shit hurts more, and ouch no longer cuts it. But i didn’t say that, instead i laughed. Dammit i hate these awkward conversations. I feel like i deserve time to rehearse my answers, maybe throw in a power point presentation or recruit some documentary for the need. Time for another plan, a distraction.
“Hey Donald, are there any brownies left over? Maybe you could get me one….and grab yourself a piece too.”
“Daddy i’ve already brushed my teeth, and you already had one today. Mommy told you not to eat more or you’ll get FAT.”
Fucking kid is too well behaved. Alright, let’s pull the other one.
“Donald, would you like to hear a story?”
I place my fingers to my lips, make a shushing sound. “Get in bed, whilst i pack away everything, i’ll meet you there with a story.” The guy scampers off, and i spend the next minute, as i slowly pack away the games, trying to come up with something, anything at all. I put the controllers in the box, and i wonder if there is any way i can get the missus to substitute. Except she’s in the shower, and goddamn does she take a long time in the shower.
My legs hate me, and they start moving my body into the kids room. The night light is on, and the only other illumination comes from the glow in the dark stars that adorn the ceiling. I sit down, and place one large hand over his head, stroking his hair. I hope he can’t see me sweating, i mean the room is dark. I let it go on for as long as i can, but my mind is empty, and i have no good tales to tell.
“What kind of story do you want to hear Donald?”
Donald’s eyes lit up, and it was too late before i realised my mistake.
“I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE MORNINGSTAR!”
Oh dammit. This is what i get for being an atheist. Awhile back, i tried to lull the little guy to sleep with some twisted tale involving none other than lucifer himself. Rather than the old fire and brimstone bullshit i put the morningstar on Venus, and told some story involving the world tree. Long story, well not really, but anyway.
“Ok Donald, what would you like to know about the morningstar.”
“Ummmm I don’t know. Something cool.”
It’s times like this that make a man. See, i could disappoint the little guy, it wouldn’t be that hard to do. Just harden my heart a tiny bit, just walk a way with some adult excuse, and make some false promise about another day. After all i feed, clothe, and shelter him, and i don’t owe him a story on top of all that. Except i kind of believe, that i’m going to get at least a little bit of help from the man himself.
Lucifer has a way of taking the spotlight you see.
“Alright, how about i tell you about the journey they took, Lucifer and all the other angels till they reached Venus?”
“Is it a cool story?”
“Yes it is.”
“A long time ago, before there was a moon in the sky, the brightest thing in the sky that could be seen from earth was the planet Venus. Brighter than any star, the people that lived on earth would use Venus to navigate the seas. Though, before the moon it was a lot easier, because there weren’t any tides…”
“Donald, you know the rules, no interupting.”
“But Dad, this sounds kind of boring, it sounds like school.”
Fuck it, the kid has a point.
“Alright never mind all that then, let me tell you about the Angel’s space ship. It was absolutely massive. You know daddy’s office, the big building? That would be but one angel’s room in the spaceship, and there were hundreds of them. Now this massive ship, it left the Angel’s first home, on a long journey through space, and on it’s way they had many adventures. On their way to Venus, the Angels first contended with the Aesir, who protected, and patrolled the Valhalla Nebula.”
A part of my brain is hemorrhaging what the fucks. I try to ignore it.
“Dad what’s a Valhalla Nebula?”
“A nebula is a massive, massive cloud of gas, gas so thick that the spaceship had to put out it’s oars, and practically row through it. Valhalla was the name of this particular nebula, and this one was patrolled, by the Aesir. The Aesir, were space vikings. They wore massive spiked helmets, and never grew, nor made, nor wrote anything of their own. Instead they would bully everyone else, and take what they needed from them. They were very bad, and very dangerous. The angel’s spaceship rowed it’s way through the nebula, hoping to hide from the Aesir by moving through the darkest parts. But they were spotted, and they were boarded by the space vikings, who used grappling hooks to climb into the Angel’s ship.”
I paused. The kid was silent. This is a good sign.
“The leader of the Aesir was named Thor, and he was armed with a massive war hammer, which is like a normal hammer, except it shot thunderbolts, and it could break anything. With this hammer Thor broke down the front door of the angels, yelling at them ‘Thor is coming! Thor is coming! Hide your food! Hide your kids! Cuz Thor is coming to take it all!’ After he walked through the ship’s front door, Thor had to face the ship’s first guardian, the angel belial. Belial lived in a massive castle, inside the space ship. Upon seeing Thor, Belial thought he could outwit the space viking, and insultingly said to Thor ‘THOR! You are very good at breaking things, no angel will deny this, but can you build? I bet you i can build faster than you! What good is a hammer that cannot strike a nail?’ At this, all the space vikings started teasing Thor, and many did in fact agree it was kind of silly that Thor had a hammer but he never used it to build anything. Thor challenged Belial, saying ‘Silly little angel! I can build faster than any of you! I challenge you to a dog house building competition!’ And so they competed. In the blink of an eye Belial summoned up his thousand tools, and in the next blink he summoned up a tree, and in the next he cut the tree into planks of wood but then BANG! With one mighty swing Thor smacked Belial’s castle, and it started to collapse. Both Vikings and Angels rushed to get out of the way of the falling wood, all except Thor.
When the dust cleared, all that was left of the castle was a tiny section, EXACTLY in the shape of a space dog’s house. Thor laughed and drank mead, and the vikings rejoiced. Belial hung his head in shame and let the mighty Thor pass. And pass he did, into the room of…of….of……..”
“Oh who Daddy?”
“Hrmm. I don’t know.”
“Oh MICHEAL of course, the brother of lucifer!”
“Yes the morningstar! But first Thor had to contend with Michael, who was also known as the demiurge. Michael had the power to produce flame at will. Michael could breathe fire, and in fact, is the father of all dragons. But that’s another story. Anyway. So Thor, he runs into Michael’s room yelling ‘HIDE YOUR KIDS! HIDE YOUR WIVES! THOR HAS COME TO TAKE IT ALL AWAY!’ and Michael panicked along with all the other angels. He breathed fire onto Thor, but Thor puffed up his chest and blew it all away! Michael threw fireballs at Thor, but Thor smacked them right back with his hammer! Finally Michael set fire to the entire room, but Thor just took of all his clothes, and warmed his hands in the massive inferno! Finally Micheal gave up, as all the other angels complained about the smoke, and he stepped aside and let Thor pass. Thor almost reached the sanctum, where the Angel’s carried their greatest treasure!”
“What was the treasure Daddy?”
“It’s a secret!”
“No really, that was what it was, a GREAT SECRET!”
“So what happened next?”
“So Thor heard a voice, a voice so insolent (that means arrogant, like full of himself, like remember Tim, how he tried to tell you to play better cricket? Like that), anyway, a voice that LAUGHED at Thor, laughed and laughed till all the other Viking’s were laughing too, and they didn’t even know why. It was the laughter of the most brazen (that’s like brave), ballsy (uh…also means brave) angel of them all….”
“THE MORNINGSTAR!” said Donald! And i cheered right along with the little guy.
“THAT’S RIGHT! And the Morningstar leapt down from his flag pole, for he liked to sleep on top of this massive flag pole, and he looked Thor in his angry eyes, and he said ‘First to blink, loses Viking. And he STARED.”
I gasped for dramatic effect, and then i began to whisper.
“You see Donald, in all cultures, for all creatures, whether angel, or aesir, or animal, or human, there is no challenge more universal than a staring contest. It is the only way to truly measure the strength of someone’s soul, you got to look them in the eye, and not look away. Lucifer had gone too far, but if Thor did not accept, than truly he would be mocked!”
Donald muttered a wow, in tones of awe.
“Yeah” I agreed, quietly.
“So, Thor sat down, and all the space vikings grew deathly silent, and Thor removed his helmet, and he stared right into Lucifer’s bright golden eyes.”
“It’s hard to say how long they stared for, but many of the angels, and the space vikings had gotten so tired they went to sleep. Thor began to sweat, but Lucifer was undaunted (that’s like brave) and the Morningstar didn’t sweat a bit. Thor took off his armor, till he was almost naked.”
“By this time almost all the other angels and vikings had given up, making tents, and eating meals, as they watched in silence, awed by the dicipline of the two combatants. Days went by, then weeks, then a month.”
“Still they both stared. Thor had put down his hammer, he had taken off his clothes, and he removed his helmet. Then one day, he blinked. As soon as he did the whole ship erupted equally into cheers and roars! Thor was furious! He grabbed Lucifer and threw him across the room! The Morningstar flew backwards, still unblinking! And Thor yelled BUT HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!’ And then he realised that the Morningstar wasn’t actually there. THAT THE WHOLE TIME HE HAD BEEN HAVING A STARING CONTEST WITH THE MORNINGSTAR’S STATUE! He looked around for his clothes but they were all gone! He looked around for his hammer, but that was gone to! Lucifer sat, on top of his flagpole, wearing Thors clothes, holding his hammer and his helmet.
‘Thor’ He proclaimed. ‘You look, like an idiot.’
Donald laughed out loud. Oh hells yes.
“Soon after the space vikings left, their bullying ways defeated when their champion did indeed become a naked idiot. The Angels passed through the nebula, and word of the space vikings defeat reached all around the universe, till the space vikings themselves were no longer feared. Lucifer had done it again, and the angel’s celebrated, by promoting Lucifer to the rank of Archangel!”
“And if you’re good Donald maybe i will tell you another story about the Morningstar, about what he did with Thor’s hammer, and about the love of his life!”
“Ewww no, i want to know about the Angel’s secret!”
“Another time, another time. For now, you must sleep.”
And i got up, and i turned down the nightlight, and i kissed Donaldon the forehead and went to the door.
“Dad?” Said Donald.
“Do you think Lucifer would protect me from monsters.”
“Son, Lucifer protects all the free people from monsters, and everyone knows that children are the free’est of them all.”
“So he would Dad?”
“Awesome. Goodnight Dad”
POSTSCRIPT: You may be wondering, “what the fuck did i just read?” Well, it’s a game i’ve played before when i tried to come up with something to write. I imagine i am actually telling a story, in real time, to a kid, and then i run with it. No hesitation, no pausing, no fucking thinking it through. Because that’s how real stories are fucking told anyway IMO. So, i’ve written one of these before, and i’ll post it tomorrow. There you will see that this isn’t the first time Donald’s Dad has told him a story, but the second. Anyhoo i am fucking TIRED.